Getting it Straight -- Maybe

Its taken me years to come to the point where I can say I know what I want. I'm not sure its exactly slow-learning or preoccupied. I've said before how I've always wanted to do everything from crafting and writing, to medicine and history, and even astronomy. I have vast interests, yes, which have created a problem for me when it comes to settling down to working on one, or two. As I have grown, naturally my desires and interests have grown with me, but unfortunately I still have that intangible desire to do (almost) everything.

When I graduated I thought: "Great! Now I can spend all my free time writing. I'll just get a business going (selling my products) on the side and I'm "home free"." Right. I have the insane problem of wanting to do everthing right the first time, so when i don't, I pull my hair out. Yes, you guessed it, I'm bald.

The years passed, and yes, I managed to design a site, and have spent a considerable amount of time devoted to writing. But I still can't seem to get it all done. Besides (I'm ashamed to admit) as much writing as I like to do, I haven't published one story, or even finished a single novel. Sigh.

I put a lot of stress on myself by believing the lies the devil sends my way about my worth and ability. Making enough money to pay for myself instead of depending upon my parents is my drive. In a way its pride, for me at least. There's more than merely being self-sufficient here. But I make myself crazy trying to make it all happen.

I've asked God many times to clear up this mess of feelings and desires in me but just like God, it takes time. I have come to realize its a growth thing and not something you can solve immediately.

Well, He did fulfill my request. Gradually I have begun to evaluate just what it is I want to do, and how much time I want to give it. The idea of selling my products isn't quite as appealing as it used to be. Or rather, going into a full blown business. What I desire more than anything is to write. I want to finish my stories, I want to be published, and I want to spend more time getting to feel out who I am in the blogosphere. Randomly, it would be great to one day head up my own magazine. Wow! That's thinking big, of course. But its the direction I finally realize I want to go.

I'm still working on the specifics, but I think my Etsy shop is going to have to be put on hold. My WWII short is calling and I can't put it off any longer.

So yes, I have learned; God has shown me a little more of the direction I should go. Now if only I can refrain from allowing the frustrations to sink in and take me over. Patience... Relax... Go at it in your own time... Tips for the coming year.



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